Something happened last night and I learned something really profound.
I was preparing my one year old son Eros and I for bed (we co-sleep and go to bed at the same time) and I expected an easy, seamless wind-down as per usual. I hadn’t slept well the past few nights and was really looking forward to a deep sleep. After some time nursing him, I noticed he was not drifting off to slumber in the way he usually does. In fact, he was quite agitated and after about an hour of trying to get him to go down so I could sleep as well, he began screaming and crying loudly.
I couldn’t figure out the problem which was very frustrating to me. I thought about all the things I needed to do the next day that required me to operate at 100%, and climbed further down the stress rabit hole. I began to get highly irritated, angry, and enterd a full-blown state of emotional trigger. I entered the “out-of-control” triggered state that I don’t often see myself get into anymore and yelled, “Why can’t you just go to sleep! What is wrong with you!”
I had known for a while in the bed that night with Eros that he was reflecting something to me. I couldn’t quite get myself into the calm and clear state needed to get to the root of it, and had slowly but surely allowed myself to get amazingly triggered. I knew after I witnessed myself yell at my sweet one year old son that I could not ignore the reflection any longer–and suddenly, I received this ping of insight. Just let yourself fail, I heard. Just give yourself permission to do to “bad” thing, and observe.
So I yelled again, observing and releasing the anger, “Why can’t you just go the f*ck to sleep?” And then, this opening occurred and the intuitive hit was instantaneous: you are limiting and restraining yourself in multiple ways in your own life, as he is doing to you now. I knew the clarity was spot on because, and I kid you not, I immediately cuddled up to my son thanking him profusely for showing me where I had fallen out of love with myself. Two seconds later literally he fell sound asleep. As he drifted further and further off into dreamland, I continued to speak to him. This time, apologizing gently and sharing with him what I had learned.
Nowadays, I have practiced enough to where I can access the reflection quickly so that I prevent myself from entering the state of uncontrollable trigger. However–as I learned very well again last night–life is designed to stretch you and cause you to fail. The goal is not to fear failure or to seek perfection, especially on the “spiritual path”.
I find that by just giving yourself permission to fail, to say the “wrong” thing, the pattern breaks and you can see the reflection/lesson clear as day. As soon as the lesson is understood, the trigger loses its charge, its grip on you, and all you feel is gratitude and love. AND the action you want to happen (ie: baby falls asleep) manifests instantly.
You are loved beyond measure in both your triumphs and failures, and both are spectacularly Divine.